This is my first blog post for a little while. I have had to take some time out to fight a few demons. Restorative introspection, I suppose.
My anxiety – already increasing slowly over the last six months – suddenly shot up to a degree that I have experienced only once before. Perhaps it was the realisation that after another attempt at accessing treatment, all I achieved was being added to a waiting list for an unspecified period. The uncertainty was eating away at my resolve, as it always does. I was finding the relentlessness of life exhausting.
For several days I was constantly tense, either already shaking or on the brink of it. The slightest amount of stress would tip me over into an anxiety attack. I was having trouble sleeping and undertaking mundane tasks. I didn’t feel able to go out with the children. I couldn’t form thoughts coherent enough to write down.
However, I think I have now reached a point where the anxiety is more manageable. I am still having palpitations a couple of times a day, but for the most part the shaking as subsided along with the sweating, rapid breathing and sleeplessness. My mind is quiet enough for me to process thoughts again. I am able to rest. I am able to exercise some degree of self-care.
I am lucky; I had another option available to me. I realised that I had a choice – I could either wait for the NHS therapy referral to come through or to access the workplace counselling service provided by my employer. I was assessed and referred within a few days and I am now waiting for confirmation of my first session, which should be within the next week or so. I still feel fearful that my manager might judge me, but I don’t have to communicate with them in the near future so at least I have the luxury of deferring that particular worry.
So I’m still not writing what I want, but for now, I have hope again.